Joy, Grief, and Gratitude

20150810_121820Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day to come together and remember the little ones who left us way too early. It is a day for us to mourn, but also to share our stories and educate others on this very real loss. It is also a day where we can see and understand that we are not alone. I felt the need to share my own story today in hopes that it might bring healing and hope for others.

Danny and I were married for a little over a year before we decided we were ready to have a baby. We thought it would take a while. We thought wrong. It happened almost immediately. We were a little shocked that it happened so quickly but we were very excited!  We told EVERYONE! I can remember being so sick. I don’t think there was a moment that I didn’t feel sick from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until the time I laid down at night. I remember one day as I was nearing the end of my first trimester, I realized I didn’t feel sick anymore. I was so thankful that the sickness had gone.

The day came for my 10 week check-up and we were so excited. This was the day that we got to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Anticipation grew as they listened for the sound that would confirm life for our precious child. They worked and worked to find the heartbeat, but there was only silence. The doctor explained that we would need to move to another room for an ultrasound. I still didn’t quite get it. I wasn’t worried at all. I knew that we would get the ultrasound and hear that heartbeat that we had been waiting to hear. I was wrong. I looked on that ultrasound screen at a still picture of my baby. No movement, no heartbeat, no sign of life.

The doctor explained that they needed confirmation from another doctor. Since he was the only one left in the office, we had two choices. We could either drive to the hospital for a second ultrasound or wait until morning to come back. I couldn’t wait. As we drove to the hospital, the whole way I was crying out to God, asking Him for this to be a big mistake, praying that when we got to the hospital it would all be fixed and our baby would be healthy. Once again, I was wrong. The hospital confirmed, we had lost our baby.

This was one of the most devastating things I had ever experienced. My baby had died. I had heard of this happening to others but I never imagined it would happen to me. I certainly didn’t realize how much it would hurt. I didn’t even get to hold my baby. I don’t know if our baby was a boy or a girl. I didn’t get to give my baby a name. I never really understood the pain until I experienced it for myself. A few people reached out to me but many were silent. Many don’t know what to say. So many suffer through this in silence but it doesn’t have to be that way. I want to reach out to others who have been through this loss. It is important to know that we are not alone. It is important to know that this little life that grew inside of us mattered. That baby is just as dear to me as the two precious children that God has given me since then. There will always be an empty place in my heart for that baby until we meet again in Heaven. Even with the pain, even with the loss, I am still so grateful for the gifts that He has given me. I want you to know that it is okay to grieve. It is okay to walk through the pain of losing a child. It is also okay to feel joy again.

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2 thoughts on “Joy, Grief, and Gratitude

  1. I am so glad that you shared this, Tracy. I pray that as more of us share our stories that we can lift each other up out of the silence and from grieving alone. There is joy on the other side of loss, but it is so much easier to get there when we have support systems. I am grateful for voices like yours! Big hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

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